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I Want to be Okay.

Updated: Dec 7, 2023

I want to be okay.

I am more often now. But then I try to do things solo, Like attend court, And I fall apart, Finding myself alone to pick up the pieces.

And as I pick my broken-self up, I puzzle back together - Ending up different than how I started. Beautifully broken, as they say. Don’t they also say bones grow stronger, After they’ve been broken?

I want to be okay. But support significantly dwindles as time goes on... Unless I specifically ask for it, And you know me better than that. “I can do this alone,” Says the Warrior. And she can, But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Hell, it doesn’t even mean That it gets easier with time. It just becomes a norm. I don’t want to be alone through all of this.

I battle with my own mind, I battle the thoughts that overcome me. Like the song “Zombie” by the Cranberries. “What’s in your head, in your head, Zombie, Zombie, Zombie.”

What’s in my head? Anger, rage, revenge, All I see is red. Don’t poke the bear, I warn you.

How did this happen? Why did this happen to me?

I just want to be okay.

I don't bring my home life to work. But I was so mad the other day in the middle of the day about something not work related that I was shaking... I was literally shaking. My co-workers (God bless them) put on Christmas music to tame me... in which it significantly lowered my blood pressure (or so I felt); I was beyond thankful. I am also beyond thankful that my best friend did go to my last hearing with me. He presented me with this amazing phone charger that is a strand of Christmas lights. I hung it up on my computer at work and it has been my saving grace. Truly, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

The amount of anger I feel sometimes truly scares me. When will it end?

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