Dear Diary…
I’m going to start with… this is going to be a disaster of a diary entry. My mind, my heart, and my thoughts are all over the place. I don’t really have capacity to try to organize my thoughts, so the result is this mess (see below). And it puts me in a very vulnerable place... But anyway, here goes:
You may see some of the following thoughts talked about in my sequel memoir, Another Four Pounds of Pressure, but that will be book number five coming out… so, we have some time.
Anyway, Diary, I wanted to tell you that I hate being an inconvenience. That’s the purpose of this whole thing. But you know who that is most inconvenient to? Me.
But I always have been an inconvenience, from the beginning. I mean, the very beginning…
1. I was an oops. I’ve never publicly talked about this before, except with two dear friends, until now. But knowing that I wasn’t meant to be a person in the first place has led me to live in such a way that I’ve felt like I needed to prove my worth. Please know that I’m not saying this because my parents told me I’m worthless. They did not, nor would they. But I knew I was unplanned.
2. Skipping ahead 25-ish years and all of the funsies in between… including all of the inconveniences that you read about in my memoir…
3. Now, I cannot drive for three months (though, it could be worse, I am aware). This is an inconvenience for me and others.
Feeling bad is an inconvenience, so I’ve found out by means of gaslighting. Per Google, gaslighting is manipulating (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. And in experiencing this, it makes me so angry that I can so easily be made to feel so weak and so wrong. I can hardly think about it, let alone write about it. Metaphorically, I end up being a wounded deer lying in the road after being hit by a car, looking around for someone to help me, only to be intentionally obliterated by a semi-truck driver. Basically, I am kicked while I am down, simply because I have feelings that are inconvenient.
My feelings are my own problem and responsibility. I understand this. So is healing – it is my responsibility. But, it is okay to try to be on the same page as someone and try to make a situation better through compromise and mutual agreement.
Then again, maybe not, per their perspective...? I’ve learned to keep my feelings of being hurt to myself or risk becoming an obliterated deer in the road. Again. I’ve learned from these experiences. That’s what we’re supposed to do, right? Avoid pain by avoiding situations that cause us pain.
PTSD. I have this from a few different incidents of direct trauma, but also from being teamed up against, mocked, being yelled at for having feelings, and being told my feelings are crazy, untrue, out of line, and flat out wrong. I've been talked out of having the feelings that I have.
WHAT!
Danielle Louise. Tisk, tisk.
Sometimes the situation escalates ten times worse than what it started as, simply because I wanted to talk about my feelings, so I end up feeling ten times worse. And that defeats the purpose of talking about it in the first place, right? I wanted to feel better, not worse. And then I walk on eggshells around the gaslighter. Yet again.
If I run away from my feelings, maybe they’ll get lost trying to follow me. Then maybe people wouldn’t be inconvenienced anymore. Maybe I’ll start believing and feeling what people want me to feel because that would be in THEIR best interest. And isn’t that my goal, to make others happy? Because I’m a people pleaser. I bet Robin Williams was a people pleaser too.
What kind of lesson is that for my son? A shitty one.
Don’t be an inconvenience. Don’t have feelings because other people clearly do not want to have to “deal with them.” Or be held accountable? Don’t want different things in life, because that causes inconveniences too. Just do what other people want you to do. Feel nothing so no one has to deal with the fact that the SHIT way they treat you actually matters to you.
But because they matter to you, you stop being an inconvenience for their sake. Make them happy by suppressing your feelings. Great. Lesson learned: avoid confrontation.
WAIT! This feels wrong. That’s not self-justice. That’s not self-advocacy. But how does a person unlearn such things? How does a person learn to stand up for themselves even if it will cause hard feelings?
By realizing, in more situations than not, that using your voice and advocating (whether it is for others or yourself) is the only way change can happen. “Fuck politeness!” – a statement Karen and Georgia say on My Favorite Murder.
Please note, this is not an educational blog. It probably isn’t inspiring or noteworthy either. But rather, it is one in which I simply scribbled down my irrational feelings on my lunch break so I could go back to them to process and pick apart how fucked up it is to care more about other people’s feelings over my own.
If I don’t care about me, who will? If I don’t care about me, what am I teaching my son? What do I expect of him as to how he treats me? Himself? Others? A future wife?
I didn’t survive being attacked in my home and suddenly open my eyes to realize I’m a warrior. I didn’t live through two years of the court process and one day become Wonder Woman. I didn’t watch the man who raped me get sentenced to nearly twenty-one years in prison and suddenly realize I’m the best version of myself. I have learned that it is okay to not always be okay. And upon realizing this, I try to recognize how to fix it. I was given a second chance. And in being presented with that second chance, I AM TAKING IT.
I found the lioness that was hibernating within my soul. I uncovered the warrior that would do anything to save my son. I grew to be Wonder Woman, someone I see in the mirror as I stand next to my son, but it didn’t happen in the blink of an eye. While it developed significantly over the five hours the rapist was in my home, it has continued to be an evolving lifestyle.
I had a message typed up to my co-worker the other day at work that said, “I need to go home. I don’t feel well. I’m not okay.” And I was so close to clicking the send button multiple times. But I didn’t… (obviously, that would be an inconvenience). Instead, I went in the stairwell and took a ten-minute break. I had planned to go home, crawl under the covers, and hide from the world, mindlessly watching Netflix. I didn’t want to exist anymore. I ended up staying my whole shift, as usual, because that’s who I am. When I got home, I didn’t go hide under the covers. Instead, I painted. I turned on "Zombie" by the Cranberries, covered by Bad Wolves, and painted. I recognized my state of being unwell after a shit week/weekend, picked a coping mechanism out of a hat, and ran with it.
So let’s learn this shit together. Let’s learn how to deal with these feelings of being unwell together. Let’s recognize what gaslighting is. Let’s recognize retaliation. Let’s love ourselves. Let’s continue to use our voices for the good of others and for ourselves. If we don’t advocate for ourselves, what is the point of being? May as well be a robot in which another human programmed…
A dear friend once told me (er, told me multiple times), “You rarely get more than you ask for.” So let’s speak out. What do we need? What do we want? What do we expect?
1. I need to be treated with respect.
2. I want to be happy, and I want to do what makes me happy.
3. I expect to be treated how others want to be treated. I expect respect.
4. And I shall be who I want my son to grow up to be – a warrior who can acknowledge his vulnerabilities and learn to work through them.
Even a lioness, warrior, and Wonder Woman have vulnerabilities. My weakness is feeling like an inconvenience and avoiding this at all cost. My weakness is the inability to ask for help.
One thing I am capable of though is that I can recognize and acknowledge my feelings, despite the fact that I don’t want to acknowledge them. If I am not well, I know it. If I am crabby, I can admit to it. If I’m being a bitch, I can admit to it. So if I can acknowledge all of these feelings, why do I have to limit myself when I’m hurt, or sad, or anxious, or depressed?
I don’t. And I shouldn’t.
So stand with me – hold my sword as I straighten your crown, my fellow queen, and together we will become a force to be reckoned with.
Let’s start a movement. Let’s continue to stand up for not only others, but ourselves. I'm done being a pushover. Take back your power as I continue to learn how to take back mine. It is not a lesson in a textbook, it is a lifestyle.
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